Aging Will Not Be Repealed (The secrets to understanding your mother and father)

By David Solie, MS, PA

Life is half spent before one knows what it is -- French Proverb

No one knows for sure what will happen to estate tax laws. The consensus is that this time honored planning area will undergo significant changes. Whatever the outcome, one thing will remain unchanged: the aging of the U.S. population and its need for financial services. In this unsettling period where we are rethinking what product and services we will be offering, it is also a good time to reevaluate how much we really know about the unique communications habits of older adults. Communicating with them will be essential to all of us.

It is important not to confuse familiarity with insight or knowledge. Older adults are very familiar to all of us. However this familiarity does not translate into insights about the true purpose and meaning behind their communication habits. In fact the opposite may be true. We generally perceive the communication habits of older adults as a “deficiency of aging” and generally as obstacles to getting “planning things” done. Upon closer examination, nothing could be farther from the truth.

The frustration that we have with older adults reflects a clash of two very different communication styles with two very different “age-based” agendas. Instead of trying to suppress or discourage older clients from their unique habits, it makes more sense to try and understand their true purpose and meaning. A closer look reveals that these habits are not only necessary to manage the complex tasks of aging, but they provide valuable clues on how to motivate and inspire older clients in the planning process.

The following are some examples of how the communication habits of older adults are misinterpreted and misunderstood:

• Lack of Urgency Older clients are constantly accused on being too slow in all aspects of their life including the planning process. We seem perpetually engaged in trying to create a “sense of urgency” in them. The problem, however, is not the slowness of the older client but rather in our failure to understand or appreciate the older client’s perspective. Having weathered seventy or more years of life, life looks fundamentally different from a mature vantage. Deadlines, no matter how important to us, seem muted in the secret and absolute knowledge of older persons that “life
  always work out.” This is neither passivity nor surrender to aging but rather the wisdom of living longer. In view of this unique perspective, we are better served trying to find the inspirational elements that will motivate the older client rather that creating “artificial” urgency to press the client into action.
  
  
• Wandering Conversational Patterns We commonly lament over the inability of older clients to “stick to the subject.” The wandering conversational pattern of older clients is usually seen as a “loss of the ability to stay on task” and a prime example of the deficiency of aging. The problem, however, is not a lack of ability to concentrate or regression in cognitive skills. The non-linear communication habit of older clients represents an abandonment of simple chronological sequencing in favor of a processing system that can extract purpose and meaning from an extensive databank of memories. We fail to appreciate the challenge of aging, which includes a constant assessment of a person’s life experiences. Instead of trying to discourage the older client from their non-linear style, we should seek to develop communication skills that can facilitate and manage these important conversations. With the correct management skills, crucial information can be discovered that and, if emphasized, can inspire the client to take action in the planning process. More important, effective communication skills with older clients can create stronger and more personal relationship. In an environment of relentless and intense competition, we cannot afford to have anything less than exceptional relationships with this population.
  
  
• Repetition Older clients receive further admonishment from us for repetition. Our most common complaint is “why do they always have to tell the same story.” The problem, however, is not a lack of ability to report or discuss new information. Repetition, like non-linear conversations, is a processing system that highlights subjects and themes of personal significance. Be it a favorite story, memory, object lesson or complaint, older clients use repetition to earmark items that have come to represent exceptional value in their life. These items may be positive or negative. They may represent pronounced successes or painful disappointments; they can be enlightening or reflect deep and unresolved bitterness. But in all cases the issue is not the facts but rather the values they represent. This is a point that often confuses us. All we hear is the same story being told over and over again. Once we learn to focus on the values instead of the facts, it becomes clear to us what values need to be emphasized in order to jump-start the planning process.

Knowledge of the communication habits of older clients can open unexpected and personally rewarding areas in the planning process. Implementing this knowledge gives additional substance to the concept of “holistic planning.” As important, they provide both the values and themes that can then be packaged into an “inspirational legacy” that provokes enthusiasm and commitment in the older client.

One cautionary note: inspirational legacies are not self-evident nor rarely hand delivered to us by the older client. Aging is a wearing process and fatigue is a common companion to an older person. The first victim of fatigue in all of us is creativity. Very few older clients can deliver a ready-made inspirational legacy that is emblematic of their values and dreams. Even when key elements are discovered through well-honed communications skills, the process is only half-complete. The packaging of the legacy is the final and crucial step. The inability to correctly package a legacy, despite having identified appropriate elements, has brought many a planning process to a premature standstill. If the older client cannot “emotionally connect” with both the content and the packaging, he or she will never be inspired enough to implement the plan.

We are entering into a historic moment in U.S. history. We are becoming a nation dominated by mature adults. It is important that we are as well prepared for the communication challenges for this demographic change, as we are for the impending tax code revisions. In both cases only dedication to accurate knowledge will prepare us to thrive in this unprecedented moment in our nation’s history.